Should You Demand Perfection in a Lover?
Should You Demand Perfection In a Lover?
Is It Reasonable To Make A Checklist?
How reasonable is it to make a checklist of qualities (physical and personality) that you require in a partner? Is it wise to define the exact qualities you want a potential romantic partner to have? Should you demand perfection in a lover?
We all have unique personalities, containing specific desires, wants and needs. And not everybody is an appropriate romantic match for us.
But if we are too specific in our demands, do we risk missing out on great opportunities when people come along who do not adhere exactly to our list?
Perfection Does Not Exist
Your fantasy women or man does not exist. Everybody has flaws, imperfections, and insecurities. Everyone is unique and surprising (in good and bad ways). A highly specified fantasy human that you invent in your imagination can never exist in reality. For the simple reason that your imagination can never devise a real person in toto. Real people are too complex (and fucked up) for your mere imagination to be able to fully conjure.
But Some People Are More Our ‘Type’ Than Others
But while nobody can exactly match the phantom fantasy partner we dream up, some people bear a much closer resemblance to it than others. Some people have a collection of traits that are quite close to our ideal. Some people possess a happy mix of physical, psychological, and personality traits that make them very much our ‘type’.
It really depends on the parameters of your checklist. If you are too specific you will not find anyone that matches your too exact demands. But if you have discerned your likes, dislikes, values, and preferences loosely, then you will be able to find people who more or less correspond to your list. But, bear in mind, every person you meet is practically guaranteed to have a few little traits that you don’t like so much.
Defined, But Loose Enough Preferences
If you decide that your perspective partner needs to be “able to laugh at themselves” for example. You will not find somebody who is 100% perfectly able to laugh at themselves 100% of the time and in 100% of situations. That’s doesn’t exist. Similarly, with physical traits, nobody has ‘perfect’ physical traits (especially if you are comparing them to literally non-human, airbrush, photoshopped internet photographs). There will always be people out there who will have slightly better versions of the physical trait you like – it’s a mathematical certainty. It’s also a treadmill to nowhere! So seeking perfection in any trait (let alone in an entire suite of traits!) is impractical, unfeasible, and unhealthy. But deciding that “he must be able to laugh at himself to a decent extent most of the time”, or “she must have breasts above a C cup” is reasonable. You are admitting what you desire, but keeping it vague enough that it is still findable and not an irrational absolute (“she must have the best breasts in the world!”).
Just When You Think You’ve Seen It All…..
One of the greatest things about meeting new people – lovers or friends – is the uniqueness and variedness of human beings. When you meet a new person, it is not uncommon to be blown away by the strange, exotic suite of traits that this new person possesses. If you meet new people a lot, you will fairly regularly meet new people who defy all expectations and change your worldview in some unexpected way. And meeting people like this is one of life’s most enjoyable experiences. So it is always important to keep an open mind about the type of people you may end up meeting. Whatever age you are. Or whatever your level of experience in the world. You can always have your mind blown by the glorious uniqueness of an exciting new person.
So, if you are too specific in your demands you will miss opportunities to connect with people whose exotic qualities would enrich your life. Demanding ‘perfection’ is a big mistake. Because it doesn’t exist. But also because you are fundamentally limited by your current level of experience of the world. You don’t know fully what you like. You don’t actually know what ‘perfection’ means because your life experience to date is limited.
Know your mind, know your likes and dislikes. Understand your preferences. By all means, draw some lines in the sand that you will not cross. But be flexible and open-minded enough to not miss exciting and unexpected opportunities when they cross your path.